Guilty as charged

An emotion so incredibly powerful, it can be described as ‘’being eaten up from the inside’’. We all have felt this to different types of degrees because of different causes. I know I’ve felt immense guilt when I was younger for the dumbest reasons and I know it to be one of the worst feelings ever. One of the loneliest ones. But why do we feel guilt? And for who?

For who do we actually feel any negative emotion? Negative emotion makes us feel empty, drained and lonely. Why do we do it? But, negative emotion isn’t to be seen as something bad, it is just an opposite that exists and any opposite has a right to exist. Without darkness, there wouldn’t be light.

Some people say negative emotion is just a part of being human. It is a part of every day life (is what the people say who feel negative most of the time). Now, I have recently felt immensly positive. And no, it is not because things have gone well in my life, it is because I have finally chosen to feel that way.

Yes, you can actually choose how to feel by shifting your focus. Easier said than done believe me. But possible nonetheless.

~ But I digress ~

When I make known to some people who’ve known me for a shorter period of time that I used to be suicidal, they almost don’t believe me which I am pretty happy about. But I want to make this point to you, because I know how it feels. I know how it feels to feel guilty about stupid shit every single day. As if merely existing means being a burden to most people. That is how isolated my guilt made me feel from reality.

The feeling of being completely alone and misunderstood, it all begins with guilt. Because it feels as if everything is your fault. Everything that goes wrong with everyone; you’re guilty of that. Everything that goes wrong with yourself; you’re guilty of that. There is no other way that it could’ve gone, all of it is your fault.

That is the brutal power of guilt. A negative force so strong and capable of making you feel like you’re worth nothing. It comes, it feeds on your deepest insecurities and adds an extra layer of problems to the problems you already have. It is weird how distinctive it feels from all of the other negative emotions, because it is so strong. It keeps you from truly living, from doing what you really want to do. It keeps you in survival mode.

Here are some weird types of guilt I have felt over the years (maybe you can relate to some of them):

~ Guilty for being ill;

~ Guilty for speaking my mind;

~ Guilty for wearing certain types of clothes;

~ Guilty for having a different opinion;

~ Guilty for being really good at something;

~ Guilty for expressing who I am;

~ Guilty for feeling bad;

~ Guilty for feeling good;

~ Guilty for having clean water;

~ Guilty for having more money than some people;

~ Guilty for dreaming big.

Guilt is a way of the ego, which makes you trapped deeper in your thoughts when you choose to identify with them. As I said: guilt adds on an extra layer of problems to your already existing problems. It buries the problems deeper into the ground, it makes the foundation of your negative emotions stronger and it makes sure it always finds the right person to blame:

~ You ~

See, there is no escape to guilt. Guilt is here and it is here to stay. It isn’t about who’s done what to who, it will always keep on blaming you! No. Matter. What.

I originally wanted to call this post: guilt, shame and loneliness, because of the similarity of these feelings. But I see now that it starts with guilts, it perpetuates into shame and eventually ends up in loneliness.

~ A few years ago, I was finally doing a little bit better in my life. I contacted my psychologist because I wanted to be free of some negative feelings I was still feeling at the time. The feelings were: guilt, shame and loneliness. It is no coincidence that these powerful emotions remained after all of the other ones were as good as gone. ~

I could go on and on too about how the world will make you feel guilty about a lot of things, but that won’t be helpful to anyone. The only thing that can make you stop feeling guilty, ashamed and lonely, is you. You choose to feel guilty because you choose to not love yourself enough. You don’t let yourself feel loved because you think you’re unworthy of it because of some negative experience(s) which happened long ago. How long is it going to take before you take a fucking chance on yourself?

Let yourself feel good for once, give yourself that permission.

No one else is going to do it for you.

Feel guilty, feel ashamed, feel lonely and feel like no one else is going to love you, ever. But at the end of the day, it is just you who doesn’t love you. Your guilt, shame and lonely goggles just blur out the real truth which is much more depressing:

You don’t love yourself.

And no one will until you will.

So do it. Take a chance because you know you want it.

Thanks for reading. 💕